Let’s say you really want Access to go slow, maybe so it was unusable, maybe so it wouldn’t even work and corrupt your databases consistently. How would you do that?

First, make sure you add in a LOT of latency. So create a front end Access database that you will run from the Chicago area. Now place a back end Access database in a data center in let’s say Sydney, Australia.

Use a VPN to make it look like that Sydney computer is on the same network as your computer in Chicago, and then connect the backend tables in the Chicago db to the Sydney db and have at it!

You’ll note that simple queries and forms will take exponentially longer to open and run than they did before. This is one way to effectively cripple your Access application.

How about some other good ways to create massive loads?

Don’t use any indexes in any of your tables. And primary keys? Never use them.

If you do decide to use primary indexes on large tables, make sure they are indexed on Short Text columns, or better yet, make the primary index on multiple Short Text columns!

Make liberal use of Domain functions in your queries like DLookup, DCount, etc.

Never under any circumstances use the Compact and Repair function of Access.

Oh, and make sure you add some endless loops to your VBA code.

These are just some of the ways I’ve slowed and crippled my Access databases. What is your experience with slow Access databases?